True Identity

After having gone through so many materials and experiences in discovering who I am and what life is all about, it is difficult to pinpoint who said exactly what, also because concepts have been rehashed not only by the same person but different sources saying the same thing in many different ways ever since man learned to communicate verbally and in writing. I have also thought I had been original with some of my ideas only to read about them in a book or magazine article written both before and after the thought had emerged from the portals of my mind. If we accept the concept of the universe as that which encompasses everything imaginable then we can never claim to be original. Perhaps the only originality we can lay claim to is how we synthesize all that we’ve been through. As I mentioned in my earlier articles, we may all be looking at the same object but will never perceive it in exactly the same way.

I have been watching myself struggle in the past 6 months over the realization that a side of me that I have long thought to be dead is still alive. It has been a struggle because my current identity will not give up its place easily regardless of how sensible this persistent self may appear to be. Imagine the conversation between the two personalities…I can do it…No you can’t…But this is who I really am…It’s not…It’s true…It’s an illusion…Be real…Are you?

I have been conditioned since childhood to subvert my personal desires to please my parents, siblings, relatives, peers or the greater good. I have been programmed like a pavlovian subject to act in accordance to what pleases others in order to reap the rewards of recognition, acceptance and gratification. I have had to deny who I am and have put on masks and donned the most outrageous trappings in order to be accepted and avoid being ostracized and even killed. I assume that which is loveable by those I love. I suppress my innermost thoughts and feelings for fear of rejection or hurting others. Being true to myself was looked upon as being selfish, conceited and egoistic. I choose an identity that can keep me from the solitude of aloneness not realizing that by doing so I have in fact plunged myself into even deeper isolation. Until today, I still feel guilty for pursuing my own ends.

It is not unusual for a social creature to conform to the group’s ways. It is easy when rejection is merely a perception. When the rejection is outrightly expressed one has to choose between the group or self.

Because it is easy to love someone loveable like a perfect specimen of the human specie vs a mutant, I cannot help but put out that which is acceptable and keep that which is doubtful in the dungeon. Because it is easier to conform than hurt/offend someone, it is easier to let the status quo stay as it is. Perhaps this a vestige of conditional love. To love IF….

In the few times that this identity emerged from its cell, it was outright rejected and attacked. Not that it was bad per se but simply unacceptable or intolerable because it was so threatening. But is it me or the observer’s perception that is in question here? This time I choose the latter for I have always played to the observer’s benefit at my expense.

I have come to realize that the reason why my relationships don’t really work is because I am too afraid to get rejected. My honest opinion is taken as destructive criticism and my care treated with malice. It is because I choose to express the less meaningful me over the real me. It is because I choose to walk away rather than hurt someone. I give up rather than fight and see another loser cry.

So the book I was referring to in the beginning of this article says that it is better to be rejected for who you really are than be loved for half of who you are…or worse…to be loved for who you’re not…and live the rest of your life not knowing whether the real you will be loved at all. Have the courage and resilience to find someone who will love the real you and you can live in peace. It also says…funny how we want to be accepted for who we are, smell, warts and all but keep a long list of demands before we accept others.

I guess for life to work, we need to accept that some of us are thumbs and some are pointers. We all seem to want to be something other than what we really are and we require others to be something they’re not…that’s why we can’t get a hold of life.