Second Guessing

Dear Readers,

I looked up the meaning and uses of “second guessing” and found to my surprise (shock?) that I had been using it in the wrong context all my life. But for the obvious reason that I cannot find the right term at the moment and for the sake of releasing this thought, I will write about it in the context that I have been used to.

Please let me know the correct term if you know it. Thank you.

In most conversations there is a tendency for one party to finish the other’s sentence or train of thought by adding the last words.

Speaker: “I was so mad at him that I…

Second Guesser: slapped him….

Speaker: no…I just walked away”.

There would be times that the “second guesser” would get it right as the speaker would acknowledge it by saying…”exactly!”

As someone speaks or writes, we create images in our minds and paint a picture of the conversation…sometimes correctly, sometimes completely alien to the conversation itself because of second guessing. A mild narration can create superfluous images and bring the story completely out of proportion. A somber statement like “I scolded him” can conjure a repulsive image of a wide-eyed, flushed cheek, hands on the waist, saliva raining down and piercing loud voiced angry person when all it could be was a simple scolding and finger waving timid man sitting in an arm chair.

In the absence of clarification, the statement “I’ve had many girlfriends” can stimulate images of someone promiscuous (all at the same time) or a collector (one after the other) and miss the whole point of someone honestly making a mistake in his meticulous and sincere search for his true love thereby unfairly getting labeled as a player.

The point of this article is pointing out how often we second guess people when they speak to us, how we create images and attach scenarios, adding colors and configurations to what we hear and read that we miss the context of their story entirely. And because we see the story from our point of view, we fail to see the narrator’s own experience thereby judging the other person from the images we conjure. Apparently, this is why the book is always better than the movie.

By second guessing, we miss the authenticity of the speaker’s story. Instead, we create our own and make conclusions. We second guess not only the story itself but the speaker’s intention as well. An advice can be conveniently tagged as manipulation. An act of charity can be interpreted as self serving. Politeness as scheming. Conversely, a devious act is interpreted as angelic because of  denial and self serving bias.

By second guessing we create our own image of the world and people around us and react accordingly. When things go wrong we look at the other person and the external world and question the wisdom of the great creator outside of ourselves when the very problem lies within us.

How often do we punish ourselves when we interpret a delayed response to an email, call or text message as a rejection when all it was was the other party’s schedule, network lag, phone battery going dead or no load? Talk about self inflicted agonies. How often do we label a person based on what we thought was being said rather than what was actually being said? Talk about unjust persecution. Imagine what can happen when we launch a counter-attack when we thought we were being attacked by the other person. It becomes even more depressing we when stick to our mistaken identity rather than shifting our impression.

I had the opportunity to learn the art of training Doberman Pinscher attack dogs. It was only through this experience that I learned the story behind the poor dog. The Doberman is basically an extremely lovable hunting dog that does well in search and retrieval. A natural Doberman is like any typical terrier or pet dog. It is known for its qualities of being intelligent, alert, and a loyal companion dog. Because of it’s outstanding abilities, it was heavily used by the World’s Armies and Police Forces. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doberman_Pinscher).

My mentors told me the intriguing story behind the Doberman’s image. Cropping its ears and docking its tail served two main purposes. To create a vicious look (like a bat) and to reduce grabbing points (ears and tail). Adding to this fearful image were propaganda stories about dogs turning against their own masters and eating babies, circulated to create fear of this breed to make one automatically cringe at the mere sight of the dog. The training methodology involving a lot of psychology is even more interesting. Training the dog to attack, hold, bite and crush bone revolves around play and feeding. “attack him” means go play with that person. So a charging dog ready to play is perceived as an aggression thus striking fear on the intruder. A bark may not always be the “keep off” alarm and a shout a “get off my arm” command but an invitation to play and play hard. Holding, biting and crushing is a culinary discipline meant to enjoy juicy bone marrows on command. A trained, well conditioned single bite is strong enough to crush a bone in one snap. A spectator viewing “attack” training sessions will see a violent activity rather than pet and master at play. That by itself serves the purpose of keeping everyone at bay at the sight of a Doberman in action. Let your own mind be your enemy.

This is one instance where second guessing backfires or works… A pure innocent gesture misread as an aggression can cause great damage to one’s self. Would that be that the dog’s fault or the intruder’s? The speaker or listener?

It is dangerous to train a dog to become vicious because its survival instinct is deadly enough by itself and difficult to arrest. In an instinct mode, the dog cannot hear any external command except its own fight for survival even against its own masters. But training it to play and enjoy a meal is nothing but a day to day activity and easy to manage. Thus, the ability and convenience to launch and recall an attack command within a few inches off the transgressors throat or arm is but a game play.

Is it the story teller’s fault or the listener who heard the wrong things that is to be blamed for a relationship turning sour?

Some people have mastered the art, not only of listening and reading between the lines but also body language and vibrations while there are others who are just beginning to learn this mixture of communication tools. Sadly, it is in the learning process that we hurt each other specially those we love.

How much do we really need to hear to see the truth? Do we even need to hear or read anything?