2nd wordpress birthday

 Happy Birthday to me. 

In my last year’s post I wrote about birthdays best celebrated for moms. I still feel the same way.  It is only fitting that we give our moms the honor of birthing us into this life. Conception is not an easy experience. There are eight of us siblings. I have four kids. I am a grandfather now. I have seen more than my share of the mysteries of life, sufficient enough to honor it.  There are many things that youth takes for granted and only upon aging do we realize what we have squandered. As the adage goes…”we realize the true value of what we have when we have lost it”.

I have learned to treasure what I come across in life these days. I welcome how life unfolds no matter how unappealing it may appear. If I look hard enough there is wisdom to why such a revelation unfolds before me. 

There comes a time in one’s life when something long awaited arrives. It is like a long delayed gift finally arriving, a phenomena only the universe’s intelligence can comprehend. There is an uneasy feeling about this. It is like wanting a pair of new shoes but anxious if it will fit after all these years or it is no longer the style in vogue. There is both apprehension and excitement. In the end, acceptance with gratitude will reveal the wisdom of such timing. 

There are gifts appropriate enough to accept. There are those best for others. There will be times to say thank you for the gift and times to say sorry I cannot accept it. It will take discernment to know which is which.  And however it goes, there is good reason for either way. I accepted a gift as a gesture of politeness only for the giver to be insulted when I did not make use of it. I turned down an opportunity to be with an unpretentious young lady only to find out she has grown into a beautiful woman. 

There are gifts we need to use and those that are best kept on a mantle or in their boxes. Some gifts lose their value over time, some appreciate as it gets older. We sold our 1956 Chevy Bel Air for $12.00 as junk and today someone is offering $500.00 for something like it. I scrimped on using a hard to find tent repair kit only to harden and be useless when I needed it again. 

There are tangible and intangible gifts. The intangibles are more malleable and difficult to weigh. There are gifts given freely while some have strings (chains?) attached. Some gifts have ill intentions behind them (trojan horses). Some gifts are outright acts of generosity. They are the best gifts. 

The best gifts I received this year are that my children are all happy despite the circumstances we’re in and that someone I’ve been asking for finally arrived.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Evolution

In my understanding of the Anthroposophical concept of spirit evolution, it is believed that we choose the families and circumstances we are born into. This ‘pre-destination’ comes about as we realize certain inadequacies while in the spiritual world, propelling us to reincarnate into the environment best suitable to develop these ‘imperfections’. Thus, a soul lacking in patience will choose to reincarnate into an environment where people are always late for appointments, things take forever to happen, incompetence abounds and whatever else may be required to develop patience is just everywhere.

With the spirit at the core of our beingness, we come to realize that our physical existence is but a mechanism for our spiritual growth. It is this understanding that brings to light the need to know our circumstances in order to appreciate and live our purpose in this life.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. Events issue from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meeting and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way…W.H. Murray

The above quote has been used to explain how the universe conspires to bring us what we need. That everything and everyone that comes our way is a gift meant to aid us in both our physical and spiritual evolution. That nothing happens by chance and everything has a purpose. This attitude allows us to accept events in our lives in a more compassionate manner. It gives us the space to understand people and circumstances.

My own birth circumstances indicate that I was born into isolated affluence. A small community such as my birthplace easily placed my family in a position of prominence. There are advantages and disadvantages for such a condition. In my case, it was largely a disadvantage…or so I thought. For a country where social stratification was marked with wide gaps, it was convenient to tag people as them and us and it was difficult for us to be with them because we were breeds apart.

I found an easy way to bridge that gap. Have something and share what they didn’t have. Be needed. Be wanted. And for a young boy who had to sneak out of the house in order to socialize, that something was money, comic books and toys. Looking back, it was easy to understand what my grandfather meant when he told me back in college…”your friends are there only because of your money and car. Walk to school and leave your money at home and soon you will know who your friends really are”. I did and still do every now and then. There are beautiful lessons to be learned from such an experience but that is for another post.

So why did I as spirit choose these circumstances? What lessons are to be learned from such a vantage point? What evolutionary path am I to take?

While my left hand dipped into the lives of shoe shine boys, newpaper boys, pony boys and the neighbors’ caretakers’ children playing with bottle caps and rubber bands, slippers and empty milk cans, my right would shake the hands of pampered scions of industry’s giants at the country club and social gatherings. It was a paradoxical extension of growing up in a 12 bedroom house shared by a wealthy grandfather and a hard working tire salesman father who drew the lines of scarcity and abundance under one roof.

I grew up in two opposite worlds at the same time, at times not knowing where I truly belonged. Both sides despised each other and I would feel the pain of one as the other threw insults and ridicule. I learned the value of the adage “when in Rome do as the Romans do” but doing so altered my identity.

I have been both employer and employee, superior and subordinate, rich and poor, alone and in a group. I am blessed to have been accepted in both worlds and in being so I have come to understand the yin and yang of life, that there is black and white but more importantly there is the gray.

Our paths, it seems, is not to narrow the gap, nor influence one to become the other, not even to take sides but rather to blend both worlds into a comprehensive concoction of human experience and in its volatility, a new being emerges.

It is no longer just water, ice cubes, sugar and lemon but simply thirst quenching lemonade.

This may sound like a one way street. No it’s not. We all chose where we need to be and our being together is no coincidence. We are all gifts to each other in aid of spiritual evolution. Things happen when the perfect condition arises no matter how imperfect it may appear. It couldn’t be otherwise. Touche’.

A Personal Universe

We go about our daily lives unmindful of the conditions of people around us and carry on this obliviousness right in our own homes particularly in the midst of some very peculiar situations that need special attention. There is a tendency to assume that people are normal until signs that indicate otherwise calls our attention, often times at a stage where the relationship has reached irreconcilable levels.

It is unfortunate that we are distant from the very persons we need to be close to. If a matrix or planetary chart were to be drawn with you at the center surrounded by people, who would be closest to you? Farthest? Who do you know best? Least? What clusters would be formed?

It is fun to draw a chart like that but there is some care required in the process of doing so. When we describe people, it is difficult to maintain objectivity let alone consistency, as judgments, labeling and biases intermingle with objective descriptions. It can be as complicated as the variations of how we relate to people. Our choice of charts reflect how we size up people. It reveals the framework from where we begin to look at people.

We can have as many charts as the various ways we relate to people. Trust. Fun. Responsible. Intellectual. Humor. Emotional. Sensuality. Beauty, Fitness, Sociability, Etc. One’s place will differ in every chart. One may be closer to another intellectually but distant emotionally. An entertaining person can be the least considered when responsible behavior is required. It is fun to have a chart for every situation and when we superimpose the charts together, we see order in who is most dear or distant to us.

It is normal in considering a relationship to have preconditions particularly when an objective has been set as in looking for a business partner, employee, life partner (boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse), sports buddy, etc. We design a box and find people who will fit the dimensions and discard those who don’t. Seldom do we meet people without an agenda in the back of our minds and although it may be practical in some ways, such an approach in meeting people deprives us of the opportunity to see what others are all about. A person who failed a job interview may be the sports buddy we’ve been looking for. A colleague at work could be the source of emotional support. A failed romance could have been better off as a business partnership. The unassuming girl at the backroom could be the love of our life. We put people in boxes and fail to see who they really are. It’s like using wrenches as hammers and complain when it falls apart. Then we wonder why we don’t have any friends.

We also impose preconditions on ourselves with how we relate to people and how we behave. We are stiff at work and reckless at the gym. We have strict protocols and avoid spontaneity. We hold back our laughter in front of the boss or in public. We suppress our tears and opinions. We put ourselves in boxes and deprive the world from seeing who we really are. We make fun of everything and wonder why we are not taken seriously. Then we complain of being rejected.

I have found it to be healthy to get to know people first and allow others to know me before putting them in their rightful place in my “solar system” also hoping I am where I should be in theirs. To share our innermost being with each other without preconception allows a sense of freedom and integrity. To see someone for who they really are and not for how they affect or appeal to us is an exercise in honoring other people.

In my profession, I have developed a sense of altruism and often times catch myself looking for solutions and ways to make things better. In many ways this has been viewed as unwanted intervention and invasion of personal space…sometimes judgmental. Most people dislike being probed like a specimen in a petri dish or lab subject. Critiques after all, are seldom welcomed. The few who do appreciate it, find it exciting to discover what lies in their blind spots and laugh at the thought that one can be so unaware of something so glaring to others. For me, there is peace in knowing the order of my universe.

As a complex being, humans can only be described based on what they manifest regardless of potential. A lazy person’s burning desire to be more hardworking will not remove the fact that he’s lazy. Unless it is manifested, potentials remain just that…potential. The question is…what role do we play in someone else’s development? Do our actions encourage mediocrity or excellence? Do we reinforce current behavior rather than allow potential to manifest? Are we hopeful or skeptical of the future? What are we in fact creating? What people do we attract into our lives? Why?

It can be very difficult to draw a map of our personal universe. Life is three or ten dimensional depending on what you believe in. Regardless of how complicated our universe is, there is order once we take a hard look without the emotional blinders. Whether it appeals to you or not, the stars are where they need to be. Whether you like people or not, they will always be who they are. Does our own beingness repel or attract them?

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars -Persian Proverb. From the book, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin.

Take One

My worst experience in acting was doing a take 20+ on a line so simple, I swear I thought I was autistic. Even curing it in the dubbing room didn’t help much. In the beginning it was hilarious how someone can twist the words helplessly. Everyone was laughing their bellys inside out. After a while it had become so infuriating, some people left the dubbing room altogether. How different could it have been if all I was allowed was a take one? The line? Dalhin niyo dito si tisoy. I would go “dalhin niyo dito sisitoy”. How retard can that be?

That’s not what kept me from pursuing a career in acting. It was the waiting time. The endless hours of preparation for a minute shoot. In one instance, we had to wait all day for the set up, only to be aborted and no shoot. The saying in the industry is…actors are paid to wait.

Picking up from a previous entry, the generation and culture I’m surrounded with is so obsessed with life on the fast lane made convenient by microwave meals, instant coffee and noodles, fast foods, disposable products and…even relationships seem to fall into this category.

Youth can be a very impatient time where one year seems like forever and anything beyond that looks like eternity. Psychologists seem to agree that teenagers and young adults can’t seem to plan 5 years down the road. They simply want things NOW!

Looking back at the relationships I’ve had from friendships to intimate pairings along with the joys and heartbreaks that come with it, anything short of slow cooking over glowing coal was a recipe for disaster. Take a look at a person who goes from one friend or relationship to another, each time going to the deep end too fast, too soon and upon finding out it doesn’t work out, chokes and gets out. Sure the experience matters but that is all rationalization after the fact, to soothe the devastating effects of abandonment, rejection, pain and failure.

I’ve likened relationships to the the planets in our solar system where except for earth, the rest either came too close or stayed too far from the sun to make them uninhabitable. We need to know how close or distant we need to be from another person in order to live harmoniously with them. Get too close and we burn, stay too far and we freeze.

It would help to take relationships one step at a time. Start with observation, move on to acquaintance, familiarization, assessment and then commitment. It’s like going window shopping before making a purchase with the only money you will ever have. How different would our shopping habits be if we had an endless supply of money compared to a one time purchase? With the former, the ability to do it again and again encourages impulsive and reckless decisions, while the latter encourages making intelligent decisions.

My relationships are a continuing process of positioning myself against others to preserve mental, emotional, spiritual, social and oops…financial health. The proximity is never the same. There are intimate days and aloof ones. It frazzles people around me why I carry on this way.

In my mind, life is a take one. You either blow it or make the best of what you’ve got. I have squandered my time and resources when I was younger. Regrets? Maybe. Lessons? Plenty. Would I go through it again? NO! Would I do things differently? Yes.

The lesson? Relationships is all about growth. Mutual growth. Feed on each other. When it becomes parasitic or one way…cut the cord. If someone into a relationship forces it with someone who is out of it, it becomes toxic and volatile. Relationships have shelf lives and expiration dates. Go beyond its usefulness and it becomes poison. Relationships are prescriptions for one’s growth. Some are meant to be a one shot deal, others long term. A two-second glimpse at the mall or an hour of exceptional conversation may be a shot in the arm and that’s all it may ever be. Don’t press your luck by trying to prolong it. You can OD on a relationship. A lifetime partnership may be what it will take before the high kicks in in an otherwise rocky start. Be patient. It will take all 7 dosages for the meds to work. Anything less is money down the drain. Can you imagine walking out on a relationship when the best is yet to come and missing it altogether because you simply flaked out? To confuse one for the other can be a deadly mistake. Discernment is the key.

If you had only a take one for a relationship, how would you make a decision? If it was short term could you let go when the time is up? If it was long term can you hang on long enough?

What is the gauge when a relationship should be where its at? Ease and Balance. Health >Mental, Emotional, Spiritual and Physical. Things just happen. No need to force it.

Let’s face it. Unless we have the same calling as Jesus , Buddha and the rest, we are here for our own selfish needs…that is…stay alive and grow without having to kill the other person.

Lights…Camera…Aaaaaakshon!

Workshops of Love

I attended an emotionally draining workshop where one of the exercises was to freely express in whatever manner what it was we felt to anyone in the room. In particular gratitude, appreciation, love, forgiveness, etc. Perhaps anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. There was this girl I had an attraction to and wanted to tell her how much her awesome beauty struck me. Apparently, I was not the only one as many lined up to express themselves to her. Rather than be obvious, I spent the time to express myself to others while waiting for the right opportunity to come. Meanwhile we would catch ourselves glancing at each other.

As everyone scrambled to express themselves, the facilitator stopped the exercise to the disdain of everyone who needed more time. I in particular felt so empty that I had not expressed myself to her. The feeling seemed mutual as we kept looking at each other (Uiy). We all demanded (haha) for an extension, got one and spent a great deal of time until everyone had expressed themselves to each other. Lovely isn’t it?

Before we got the extension, it was explained that life is like that. We never know when the time is up. We gingerly procrastinate and hesitate and wait for the “right” moment. We gallantly let others go ahead and we linger around feeling the air. And sometimes that moment never comes. (True but don’t take this literally. It doesn’t apply to everything and not everything is urgent, sometimes timing is crucial. Tactful discretion always works best).

Thank you to everyone who commented, emailed, called and texted re my post Fathers and Sons (Part 1) (210 hits in one day!) Yes my father and I never got to reconcile our differences and I regret not having been able to tell him how much I deeply appreciated what he had done for me (us), ask for his forgiveness and make up for lost time. Indeed, a child sometimes only gets to profoundly understand his parents when he becomes one.

Go express whatever brings happiness before it’s too late.

Condolences to the family of Tim Russert, Meet the Press