Truth and Power

My favorite pages in Alvin Toffler’s book, Power Shift are in Chapters 22 Info Tactics, Chapter 23 Meta Tactics and Chapter 27 Subversive Media. Not because I am in media but because like everyone else, I am affected by media and most likely a product of media in all its forms. And with the advent of the internet, the media wars have just escalated to a higher level.

I am intrigued by the US presidential campaign not only because the campaign itself and subsequent election results will indirectly affect each one of us globally by the deliberate choice of information broadcasts in the news, campaign ads and wherever media can play a role. Couple this with the never ending debate on the 911 conspiracy theories and the reasons behind the expensive Iraq-Afghanistan war, it becomes clear that the real power lies in the hands of those that have a handle on information management.

Power Shift contends three sources of power; Violence, Money and Knowledge (Chapter 2). In summary, you can exert influence by scaring the hell out of people, pay them to do what you want them to do and finally know what it takes to get someone to do something. The third, aligned with either of the first two can be a very potent source of power. But the ultimate power is knowledge of knowledge.

I have friends whose home library shelves bending under the weight of an impressive collection of books would eat the heart out of every knowledge glutton. My guess was a lifetime would not be enough to read all those books. So I asked them how long it took to put up such a collection and if they had read them all. Apparently, most of the books were either given as presents, bought at a whim at the local bookstore and from travels or simply left behind by house guests. No, most of them had not been read. In the still air of their quiet living rooms adorned with artifacts and photographs, my first impression was totally disproportionate to what was actually in their heads.

My dedicated teachers in English Literature always reminded the class to “read between the lines” and that there was more behind the spoken or written word than the word itself. In the bible we come across the line “In the beginning was the word and the word was made flesh”. And without necessarily being in total agreement with everything he says in his book “The Four Agreements”, Miguel Ruiz chose “Be impeccable with your word” as the first agreement.

I came across and took keen interest in body language thirty years ago and I have noticed lately that broadcasters and commentators of the US campaign have begun to superimpose the weight of body language with the words being spoken to know who’s telling what. This is a telltale sign that words are no longer taken at face value but that the intent behind the word bears more weight than the word itself.

The adage “actions speak louder than words” is an eternal truth we have known all along and yet we lapse and continue to get swayed by flattering words and brain washing information unleashed by power brokers.

Upon being interrogated, today’s most powerful religious icon Jesus Christ who has claimed to be the truth and the light declared “Everyone on the side of truth listens to me…” to which a powerful Pilate retorted “what is truth?” Good question. Incidentally, there is no record on Christ’s answer.

It is not so much what we know but in knowing what to do with what we know that will make the difference.

Second Guessing

Dear Readers,

I looked up the meaning and uses of “second guessing” and found to my surprise (shock?) that I had been using it in the wrong context all my life. But for the obvious reason that I cannot find the right term at the moment and for the sake of releasing this thought, I will write about it in the context that I have been used to.

Please let me know the correct term if you know it. Thank you.

In most conversations there is a tendency for one party to finish the other’s sentence or train of thought by adding the last words.

Speaker: “I was so mad at him that I…

Second Guesser: slapped him….

Speaker: no…I just walked away”.

There would be times that the “second guesser” would get it right as the speaker would acknowledge it by saying…”exactly!”

As someone speaks or writes, we create images in our minds and paint a picture of the conversation…sometimes correctly, sometimes completely alien to the conversation itself because of second guessing. A mild narration can create superfluous images and bring the story completely out of proportion. A somber statement like “I scolded him” can conjure a repulsive image of a wide-eyed, flushed cheek, hands on the waist, saliva raining down and piercing loud voiced angry person when all it could be was a simple scolding and finger waving timid man sitting in an arm chair.

In the absence of clarification, the statement “I’ve had many girlfriends” can stimulate images of someone promiscuous (all at the same time) or a collector (one after the other) and miss the whole point of someone honestly making a mistake in his meticulous and sincere search for his true love thereby unfairly getting labeled as a player.

The point of this article is pointing out how often we second guess people when they speak to us, how we create images and attach scenarios, adding colors and configurations to what we hear and read that we miss the context of their story entirely. And because we see the story from our point of view, we fail to see the narrator’s own experience thereby judging the other person from the images we conjure. Apparently, this is why the book is always better than the movie.

By second guessing, we miss the authenticity of the speaker’s story. Instead, we create our own and make conclusions. We second guess not only the story itself but the speaker’s intention as well. An advice can be conveniently tagged as manipulation. An act of charity can be interpreted as self serving. Politeness as scheming. Conversely, a devious act is interpreted as angelic because of  denial and self serving bias.

By second guessing we create our own image of the world and people around us and react accordingly. When things go wrong we look at the other person and the external world and question the wisdom of the great creator outside of ourselves when the very problem lies within us.

How often do we punish ourselves when we interpret a delayed response to an email, call or text message as a rejection when all it was was the other party’s schedule, network lag, phone battery going dead or no load? Talk about self inflicted agonies. How often do we label a person based on what we thought was being said rather than what was actually being said? Talk about unjust persecution. Imagine what can happen when we launch a counter-attack when we thought we were being attacked by the other person. It becomes even more depressing we when stick to our mistaken identity rather than shifting our impression.

I had the opportunity to learn the art of training Doberman Pinscher attack dogs. It was only through this experience that I learned the story behind the poor dog. The Doberman is basically an extremely lovable hunting dog that does well in search and retrieval. A natural Doberman is like any typical terrier or pet dog. It is known for its qualities of being intelligent, alert, and a loyal companion dog. Because of it’s outstanding abilities, it was heavily used by the World’s Armies and Police Forces. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doberman_Pinscher).

My mentors told me the intriguing story behind the Doberman’s image. Cropping its ears and docking its tail served two main purposes. To create a vicious look (like a bat) and to reduce grabbing points (ears and tail). Adding to this fearful image were propaganda stories about dogs turning against their own masters and eating babies, circulated to create fear of this breed to make one automatically cringe at the mere sight of the dog. The training methodology involving a lot of psychology is even more interesting. Training the dog to attack, hold, bite and crush bone revolves around play and feeding. “attack him” means go play with that person. So a charging dog ready to play is perceived as an aggression thus striking fear on the intruder. A bark may not always be the “keep off” alarm and a shout a “get off my arm” command but an invitation to play and play hard. Holding, biting and crushing is a culinary discipline meant to enjoy juicy bone marrows on command. A trained, well conditioned single bite is strong enough to crush a bone in one snap. A spectator viewing “attack” training sessions will see a violent activity rather than pet and master at play. That by itself serves the purpose of keeping everyone at bay at the sight of a Doberman in action. Let your own mind be your enemy.

This is one instance where second guessing backfires or works… A pure innocent gesture misread as an aggression can cause great damage to one’s self. Would that be that the dog’s fault or the intruder’s? The speaker or listener?

It is dangerous to train a dog to become vicious because its survival instinct is deadly enough by itself and difficult to arrest. In an instinct mode, the dog cannot hear any external command except its own fight for survival even against its own masters. But training it to play and enjoy a meal is nothing but a day to day activity and easy to manage. Thus, the ability and convenience to launch and recall an attack command within a few inches off the transgressors throat or arm is but a game play.

Is it the story teller’s fault or the listener who heard the wrong things that is to be blamed for a relationship turning sour?

Some people have mastered the art, not only of listening and reading between the lines but also body language and vibrations while there are others who are just beginning to learn this mixture of communication tools. Sadly, it is in the learning process that we hurt each other specially those we love.

How much do we really need to hear to see the truth? Do we even need to hear or read anything?

True Identity

After having gone through so many materials and experiences in discovering who I am and what life is all about, it is difficult to pinpoint who said exactly what, also because concepts have been rehashed not only by the same person but different sources saying the same thing in many different ways ever since man learned to communicate verbally and in writing. I have also thought I had been original with some of my ideas only to read about them in a book or magazine article written both before and after the thought had emerged from the portals of my mind. If we accept the concept of the universe as that which encompasses everything imaginable then we can never claim to be original. Perhaps the only originality we can lay claim to is how we synthesize all that we’ve been through. As I mentioned in my earlier articles, we may all be looking at the same object but will never perceive it in exactly the same way.

I have been watching myself struggle in the past 6 months over the realization that a side of me that I have long thought to be dead is still alive. It has been a struggle because my current identity will not give up its place easily regardless of how sensible this persistent self may appear to be. Imagine the conversation between the two personalities…I can do it…No you can’t…But this is who I really am…It’s not…It’s true…It’s an illusion…Be real…Are you?

I have been conditioned since childhood to subvert my personal desires to please my parents, siblings, relatives, peers or the greater good. I have been programmed like a pavlovian subject to act in accordance to what pleases others in order to reap the rewards of recognition, acceptance and gratification. I have had to deny who I am and have put on masks and donned the most outrageous trappings in order to be accepted and avoid being ostracized and even killed. I assume that which is loveable by those I love. I suppress my innermost thoughts and feelings for fear of rejection or hurting others. Being true to myself was looked upon as being selfish, conceited and egoistic. I choose an identity that can keep me from the solitude of aloneness not realizing that by doing so I have in fact plunged myself into even deeper isolation. Until today, I still feel guilty for pursuing my own ends.

It is not unusual for a social creature to conform to the group’s ways. It is easy when rejection is merely a perception. When the rejection is outrightly expressed one has to choose between the group or self.

Because it is easy to love someone loveable like a perfect specimen of the human specie vs a mutant, I cannot help but put out that which is acceptable and keep that which is doubtful in the dungeon. Because it is easier to conform than hurt/offend someone, it is easier to let the status quo stay as it is. Perhaps this a vestige of conditional love. To love IF….

In the few times that this identity emerged from its cell, it was outright rejected and attacked. Not that it was bad per se but simply unacceptable or intolerable because it was so threatening. But is it me or the observer’s perception that is in question here? This time I choose the latter for I have always played to the observer’s benefit at my expense.

I have come to realize that the reason why my relationships don’t really work is because I am too afraid to get rejected. My honest opinion is taken as destructive criticism and my care treated with malice. It is because I choose to express the less meaningful me over the real me. It is because I choose to walk away rather than hurt someone. I give up rather than fight and see another loser cry.

So the book I was referring to in the beginning of this article says that it is better to be rejected for who you really are than be loved for half of who you are…or worse…to be loved for who you’re not…and live the rest of your life not knowing whether the real you will be loved at all. Have the courage and resilience to find someone who will love the real you and you can live in peace. It also says…funny how we want to be accepted for who we are, smell, warts and all but keep a long list of demands before we accept others.

I guess for life to work, we need to accept that some of us are thumbs and some are pointers. We all seem to want to be something other than what we really are and we require others to be something they’re not…that’s why we can’t get a hold of life.